Wow I felt this question so strongly in my chest. I understand you. Mostly, I’m existing at a point of neutrality and indifference in my life. Nothing makes me really sad or happy.
People think it’d be great, but it’s actually so terrible, but you can’t even feel terrible about it being terrible because you’re numb to that level of emotion.
I find sadness an addictive emotion because I feel it. I feel it a lot more strongly than happiness, the few times I do feel it. It breaks through me in waves, and as terrible as I feel, I want to lay in its bosom and fade away. And maybe that’s why I’m emotionally numb.
It’s a defence mechanism I think. Nothing is permanent, and so happiness eventually recedes into sadness. I don’t like that heartbreak. When you raise your hopes high and they come raining down on you.
I generally live my life with no expectations. No one owes me anything. And I don’t feel anything because it’s easier than feeling anything.
If you want to feel, you have to let go.
I’ve found that often I’m the one holding my heart back from feeling. I don’t want to and I want to at the same time. Maybe I’m too scared. But I know I should let go.
You know when you’re about to fall apart and a voice in your head says no, don’t, It’s not worth it, and it makes you weak. Don’t listen to that voice. For me there’s also the skeptical voice. That what I’m feeling is invalid. that it’s illogical.
Why cry because your pants don’t fit? It’s a trivial example, but it carries through to stronger scenarios.
Why cry because you have your life is literally falling apart? Tears can’t fix the problem; what’s the point?
And then the surge of pain is quelled and forced to abate, turned into a trivial mild itritation.
I don’t have time to be feeling these things, there are more important things to do.
After enough times, you forget what feeling is.
