As parents, we’re always told that we have to love our children and that the bond between the parent and child is started from the day we find out we are pregnant. But that bond isn’t always there. And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s just harder to find the same love. Some people may say that how could you dare not love your child. But they may not always understand the implications of love.
My mother resented me. She is aboriginal, my dad is Scandinavian. My brothers and sisters were born with typical aboriginal features, beautiful tan skin, big brown eyes and brown hair. Then I came along. Pasty, red hair and blue eyes. She also told me as a child that she just didn’t love me like she should. And as a child that really hurt me. She filled the house with foster kids and I was simply pushed to the side, wondering why she had even kept me if she didn’t love me. I broke off my connections with her, moved out at 15 and didn’t speak to her for years.
When she contacted me about a year ago, I asked her why she didn’t love me. She told me that while she didn’t feel love in the same way as she did for my siblings, she felt as though I would have more opportunities than she did and she figured that we were too different to ever form a relationship. I asked her if she had ever had anything but hate for me. Her response was “It wasn’t that I hated you, I hated myself for not loving you the way I did with your siblings. And because I hated myself, I couldn’t find any love for you.”
You should find even ground. Something that is neutral in terms of both of your likes. Something where you can see even just a glimpse of yourself in her. Maybe it will show you a glimmer of the fire that burns inside both of you, maybe it will just be enough that you will fall in love with that single thing you have in common. Maybe she holds her mouth a certain way when she’s concentrating that reminds you of you. Maybe the way she moves her hair when she is talking mimics you.
As soon as you have just that glimmer of love, you will find things in her that you never thought you would see. And if you’re lucky, maybe it will be enough to help ease the resentment.
