I think most married spouses don’t actively seek out deep, emotional connections with another person.
In fact, I think most married spouses have an internal alarm that goes off when they are on the brink of crossing that boundary.
However, and please take this at face value as I’m sharing what I know from personal experience alone, I do think that if those boundaries are crossed, it is NOT because they are actively intending to harm/hurt their spouses/partners.
I do think that these types of bonds develop because both parties have found something of value in the other person.
There is also the very real possibility that there is a feeling of lack that gets filled or satisfied by the affair partner.
I’ll share my story – I got involved in a deeply passionate online EA after I lost my grandmother. He had lost his father a month before my grandmother passed away.
We likely both felt this deep loss and void in our hearts, and because of our shared grief, we bonded deeply and boundaries were crossed.
See, I genuinely believe that people make decisions that are sometimes led by the heart and not out of malice.
But, if they want to continue to work on their marriage/relationships, they do need to make a choice to address and own up to their mistakes, grieve the loss of the EA, and actively work on themselves to heal that void/lack, and re-invest in their relationship.
It does truly also help to have compassion and sympathy for them.
I know, I know – “But i’m the betrayed spouse!” Your feelings are 100000% valid.
You do have every right to be angry and upset.
Please remember, just as you’re human, so are they…and sometimes the flame we flew too close to burned more than our wings.
I’m sorry for the novel. I hope it helps. Maybe I needed to share for my own healing too. I truly wish you the best.
