My brush with acute loneliness came after I lost my parents.
Before that I had my fleeting “no one understands me” moments – but they were more about not getting my way with my parents sometimes.
But the day Baba died, I was left with a hole.
Three months later Maa joined Baba – my hole became a gaping one – like I lost a part of my soul completely – forever!
I turned to my relatives in desperation – I couldn’t, just couldn’t stay in my house alone.
I remember asking them to stay with me for “just a week” – begged them literally – but they had their families to look after – their “pain about how being in my house would make them miss my parents more”!
I then turned to my boyfriend – he agreed to stay with me for a few days – while I run about on my own trying to get my father’s properties together.
But that created havoc – I was spoiling my great family name you see – I was taking advantage of my parents’ death to sleep with my boyfriend.
So I was asked to marry him – or marry someone if I can’t stay alone – but not to live with a man without the “holy sanctity of marriage”.
Hence I did – a registered marriage just three months after I lost my mom – six months after I lost my dad.
I’d to gather money to marry – arrange a small party for my “near and dear ones” – my father’s “name” was at stake otherwise.
So now lonely as ever – trying to piece my life together again – I started my married life giving all that was left of my heart and soul to my husband.
But he turned abusive – emotionally and physically within a year – I guess one gathers a lot of self importance if one becomes the sole reason for the survival of another individual.
Financially I was always independent – but then one’s own mind and heart – it takes time to conquer that.
I approached several religious groups to search for answers – to find myself – every one of them disappointed me – I realised religion thrives on pain and insecurities.
I decided to walk away from my marriage – find my way on my own – but oh! My family name was on stake again.
So I decided to take my life – no need to spoil my family’s name – better to meet my parents again.
But I failed – I was declared depressed – was on treatment for 6 months.
Within that time I was beaten up so badly by my husband that I’d to run away from home – was bedridden for a month.
Where was my family then? – they did not even call me once to know when I’ll be able to walk again.
I realised my family is more worried about my actions than my pain – they are there to judge but nowhere to lend support or a shoulder in the least – lest I become a burden.
Filled with rage – I decided to unburden myself – to be a woman without any roots – to just be my parents’ daughter.
I decided to be “me” for myself, by myself. I decided to not quit on me.
Anyone who has a problem with that can deal with it – like I’ve dealt with mine.
The moment I was on my feet again – I applied for divorce – I walked out.
I stay alone now (with my adorable pets ofcourse).
Being the black sheep of my family my relatives have abandoned me – do I bother? Not in the least – their presence and absence has been the same for me.
Loneliness I’ve realised is in one’s mind – it’s the feeling of having no one beside you.
But what we seldom realise is having no strings is a strength in itself – it gives power.
Immense power to conquer the heart’s desire – to be the master of your own life – to be the captain of your own ship.
One who has nothing to lose is one whom you cannot defeat.
I was lonely being a part of my family – I’ve been lonely with my husband.
But today I’m not lonely anymore.
I’m a comfortable loner!
